Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

Actually cracking up @ this

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

Come back with a warrant

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me