Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

When I face a minor setback

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.