Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

Namaste

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

They say women only use 10% of their anger

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”