Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??