Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

There are so many people going to hell I’m thinking of investing in some property there.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed