I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
God tier horse name today on the sims
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
