Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”