I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I didn’t know they can drive…
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
