Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT