I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
About to throw up
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company