@SarahJonesVent

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

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@karanbirtinna

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

@vineyille

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

@Shakti_Shetty

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

@Love_bug1016

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

@IamJackBoot

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

@markleggett

Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.

@ElgatoEsmio

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

@steeve_again

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing