Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
It’s like ten thousand filters, when all you need is a bag.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing