I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
RT if you could go either way.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher