I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
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[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?