Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rambo Rambow

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.