I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My biological clock is wheezing.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.