Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.