I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated