Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.