I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Yup
