Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?