Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.