Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

biblically accurate fire hydrant

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…