@DaddyJew: Me: I'll have a beer Waiter: it's 10am Me: I'll have a beer and some scrambled eggs

@The1WhosCrazy: The walk of shame: When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

@Brampersandon_: [driving to a party] WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight [at the party] ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

@thomas_violence: windows 8: i got some updates me: cool windows: i have to restart me: okay not now windows: im going to me: please dont windows: lol

@brandonIee: If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you