@andiedandie0

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

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@chuuew

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@Parkerlawyer

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

@trojansauce

ME: can we pull over and get mcdonalds im hungry
KIDNAPPER: omg shut up

@KentWGraham

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

@krisv_723

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

@luckyshirt

The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”

@KeetPotato

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”