I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

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I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.


The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…



Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”


I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.


Give a man a subtweet and he’ll be like “is this about me?” Teach a man to subtweet you’ll be like “is that about me?”


Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?


Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.


I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.


My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.