I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
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I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
A Short Story.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.