@andiedandie0

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

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@_steamy_mac

I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

@TheBoydP

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

@Macar00ny

Give a man a subtweet and he’ll be like “is this about me?” Teach a man to subtweet you’ll be like “is that about me?”

@mrtruthandsoul

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.

@HomeProbably

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

@iCumBl00d

My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.