I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.


WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*


I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.


So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.


ME: can we pull over and get mcdonalds im hungry
KIDNAPPER: omg shut up


I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.


Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.


doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no


The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”


[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”