I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You Might Also Like
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I have never related to a cat more
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know