Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

This is the best one I’ve seen

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.