Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

what do you want!!!!!!!!

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.