Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅