I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!