Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Oh yeah that’s it

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”