Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.