Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

crying

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.