Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”