I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
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If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor