I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
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Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
just leave it at the foot of the bed
