Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

this got me crying😭😭

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me