Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

When you have to use a public restroom.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Are you a cat person or a person person?

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”