Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

🤣

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?