Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

no

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant