Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

ㅤ

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles