I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW