I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My dad is at it again
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!