I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth