I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*