I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
finally
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her