Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

Education is vital

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*