I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Not with that attitude
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton