I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.