I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.


H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.


My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.


8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?


Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.


For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.


[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank


[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot


Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.