H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
Me: And motorized scooter?
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.