I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)