I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
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After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second