I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.