Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time