“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right