Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose