I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
i made a craigslist ad !
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid