Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Called it

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

💀

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.