Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?