Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.