I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
![]()
You Might Also Like
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
![]()
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
![]()
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
![]()
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
![]()
![]()