I’m literally crying
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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
thank god
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.