I’m literally crying
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
How does one answer this?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Beauty and the Beast
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.