Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

This made me smile…

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place