I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
That’s fair
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Twitter fine art
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.