Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

This bar smells like my childhood.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

This dude got his own movie?

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.