Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.