Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

classic mixup

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.