Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!