I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
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When he asks for feet pics
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.