I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
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[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
the greatest twitter interaction
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
This is the one
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?