I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Perfect.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
We will use anything but the metric system
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me