Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.