Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.