I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors