I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.


What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…


If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”


Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.


Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.


[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now


YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine


crisis: happens

celebrities: time to 🎶 SIIIIIIIIING


Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.