I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
You Might Also Like
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
This was the best day of my life
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.