This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
celebrities: time to 🎶 SIIIIIIIIING
Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked