@Darlainky

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

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@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

@SortaSarcastic

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

@JasonIsbell

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

@ceejoyner

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

@TheGladStork

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

@ArfMeasures

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

@funflaps

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

@arb

crisis: happens

celebrities: time to 🎶 SIIIIIIIIING

@joeyhuggles

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.