I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
next question.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
British websites use biscuits.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
White parent Vs Arab parents
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here