I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.