I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.