I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!